Why I never fell in love with THE theater

The funny thing is that I didn't care about Broadway. Born and raised in New York, I never stepped foot into a theater production house, prior to college. The closest I ever came to theater was a few weeks of summer camp while preparing college applications, a year of high school ballet and contemporary dance, and two weeks of tap and jazz lessons that landed me better scores of the initial evaluation for dance placement than ballet. When asked what my dream role was, I quickly thought of the banners promoting The Lion King, and chose Nala. Not because it was the best fit for me, or some profound resonance, but because of the familiar. African Lion. Black woman. The very labels that made that answer feel safe, were the ones I was fighting against.

The truth is, all I ever wanted to do was sing.

Would that ever be enough?

AMDA. Theater. Performance...

Somewhere along the way, I found myself asking questions that had very little to do with them, and everything to do with belonging.

Do I truly belong here?

How did I even get here?

I was angry with myself.

If I wasn't so focused on trying to convince myself that I needed to prove me wrong, rather than admitting that I was simply scared...

Scared that the girl that couldn't write a print "p" instead of a cursive one. The girl who couldn't stop singing. The girl who didn't fit the "act black" narrative. Scared that she would never be enough. And in a way, it was true.

I spent so much time trying to make myself enough that she no longer really existed.

Trying to fall in love with the cage broke me in ways that will never truly be repaired. And yet, it brought me closer to a passion I did not know could exist. Not the stage... the attention... the performance. The creation. The freedom to explore questions without needing answers. To discover myself within the process of creation, rather than trying to prove myself through it. So thank you, theater, for introducing me to theatre. And goodbye

#story #reflection #identity